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a great start after army...
Friday, October 19, 2007 at 6:30 PM

it's been..12hours since i woke up..and i've not touched a single piece of sheet. staring at my computer and ceiling all day in this fucked up room.

this is so fucking gay. I wasn't prepared. I didn't see it coming. It got thrown into my face in just a few mins. fuck that. I don't have any cushion to absorb the blow. I'm taking it all in. It's been so long and i've psychoed myself plenty of times that life goes on. pfft. The wound still feels fresh and the exam breeze is much stronger now.

life's not fair. yep that's what i'm thinking now. sue me. and i hope that lawsuit succeeds so I may be hung in deathrow. at least i didn't commit suicide.

I fucking put in effort man. effort. fuck. What did you say? it's not about the effort? then what..what the fuck is it about.. being nonchalant in a r/s is good? is it? is it? seems like it..
how am i going to fucking move on in this screwed up state... arghhh...i'm really feeling suicidal now but i've got my parents..zzz.. i've got so many things to do..so many things..so many fucking things to fucking do.. but i don't know how to start.. how to psycho myself to do it..

should I have socialized more during that period? have many..many fuckload of female and male friends so I may just pick one out of the basket if this fails... should i? right now maybe I should have... but during that period..i didn't.. why.. no fucking idea..

no one digs snags now..snags are a thing of the past.. the in thing right now i guess are macho fucks who have no hurt nor shame. yeah.. mmhmm... yep..

i'm gonna rant and rant and rant... arghhh... i've talked to so many people..so many... i feel bad..
i've not talked to them for years and suddenly i open up to them and just pour out my worse shit ever. zzz. I feel so fucked up doing that but i had to. sorry guys/gals. really appreciate the advices and shit but it's not helping me at all.

i'm weak..i'm weak..i should have prepared for this.. i should have..i should fucking have..
Is this what drive some men to have a spare tyre? I'm sure women out there have a spare tyre..something/someone/ or a whole group to fall back into before they leave a relationship...i don't know..do enlighten me...
i'm just making a wild assumption. fucked up.

I'll play for you.